When you live with Cancer some days are much harder than others. It is much harder to get up in the morning, much harder to stay positive, much harder to even make conversation with people you love. Some days you just want to stay in bed with the covers up over your head, wishing it would all go away. Some days it's hard to keep going. The past week has been full of days like these.
It's bad enough being in remission, the low days are hard, however, they're often few and far between. But knowing that this poison is inside me, growing everyday, threatening to strangle the life from my rose bud often makes it difficult to concentrate on anything else.
Although my latest scans have been encouraging, indicating that the disease isn't spreading, and is growing extremely slowly, I still get very frustrated at the amount of time I have been kept waiting by the hospital. My doctors are still on holiday, still keeping me hanging on for a decision on a transplant, and I feel I have been left to tread water, trying to keep my head above the surface until they are ready to throw me a float.
But this is juxtaposed with a longing to maintain a normal lifestyle, to continue going to work, seeing my friends, swimming, dancing - living. I don't want to be restricted by surgery, transplants, and medication. And this is what brings me down, this confusion as to whether I want the doctors to hurry up and make a decision, or to leave me alone altogether.
And so, still, I wait. But I'm strong, and I know that for every tough day I have, there are many more brighter ones. I know how lucky I am to even have the chance to fight this, so many others are robbed of the chance to do so too young, too soon.
Today was much harder than others, but tomorrow might be a little brighter.
No comments:
Post a Comment