My life in their hands

So today is D Day. I'll meet a complete stranger, and he'll tell me whether or not he can save my life. I have been waiting two months for the transplant team at my London Hospital to make a decision as to whether or not a Liver Transplant will be an option in my battle against this disease. In March I was told that I have Cancer, for the sixth time, the fourth time in my liver. Although I have had much chemotherapy over the past ten years, it doesn't seem to have been enough to keep this monster away. In the past the hospital have tried to treat the disease in my liver with an intense form of Radiotherapy, known as Radio Frequency Ablation, but this time it's not an option. So it's either chemo, or a transplant. The problem is, a transplant doesn't guarantee a cure, the disease could come back elsewhere, it could even come back in the new liver. On the other hand, my body is so battered form years of previous chemo, I'm not sure how much more of that it can take. With only one remaining kidney, and a damaged liver, chemo could push my body too far, so where do I turn?

My appointment with the surgeon is in just a couple of hours, and I sit here nervously thinking about what he might say. It's an odd feeling, as I'm not sure what I'm feeling nervous about, I'm not quite sure what I want him to say. Having a transplant may be the answer, as, apart from my liver, I have been clear elsewhere for the past seven years, I may have this operation and be cancer free for the rest of my life. But at what cost? Would I need somebody else to lose their life, in order for me to save my own? Or, if there was the possibility of taking part of a living donor's liver, how would I even begin to ask for a favour as huge as that? What if I survived the transplant operation, but my donor didn't, how could I live the rest of my life with that on my conscience?

I'm starting to think the decision is best left out of my hands, but it's still frustrating to feel so out of control over something so huge. If he says yes, the search for a donor begins. If he says no, I'll see my oncology consultant on monday to discuss plans for chemo. Whatever his decision, I pray it saves me.