If Tomorrow Never Comes

I just wanted to post a few words on here ahead of my operation on Wednesday, incase I don't have time to tomorrow. It's the big one, they will remove as much liver as medically possible in the hope it will regrow disease free. I'm very nervous about it, as you know, but also excited to have it done and out of the way. For the first time in so long I will be able to say, "I'm completely clear" - what an amazing prospect!

But I would like to take the time now to say thank you to everyone for their support and messages of prayer and good wishes. Even people I have never met before have been in touch via this blog and my website, to tell me they will be thinking of me.

People ask me how I stay so positive throughout all the set backs and hurdles I have faced, but let me tell you something, it is incredibly difficult to become depressed and lost in self pity when there are so many amazing and supportive people behind you. My family, my boyfriend, my friends and people who I have come across because of this journey have made sure I have been able to keep my head above water, and keep going.

I have been thinking lots recently about the chances of things going wrong while I'm under the anaesthetic, and the chance that I might not wake up. If that's the case, do the people I love know how much I really do love them? Do my friends know how much they truly mean to me, and how they have shaped who I have become today? I hope so. Does my mum know how long ago I would have given up had it not been for her strength and support? How do you put into words how grateful you are for such love?

It's a cliche, and may also at times feel impossible, but it is so important to make sure that when you go to sleep at night everyone you love knows just how much you love them, (even if you feel that you don't particularly like them at that particular time!).

So thank you to everyone who has been keeping up to date with my journey, and has sent messages of support and good luck. I will let you all know how things have gone as soon as I can.

In the mean time, give the people you love a call, and tell them just that xxx

One Day At A Time

Last Friday I saw my consultant. He told me that the previous operation was a success. The damaged part of the liver has been closed off, and as a result the good side has grown an ample amount. There is now a sufficient amount to support my body once they remove all the tumours and damaged part of the organ, and, most importantly, the part that will be left is still disease free.

Brilliant news!

So why don't I feel brilliant, in my head and in my heart?

Don't get me wrong - I am unimaginably relieved, having this operation not only buys me time, it could also potentially be a cure. That side of my liver seems to be unaffected by the disease, and the rest of my body has been clear for eight years now. My liver will grow back to a normal size over the next few months, and if I look after myself - eat right, and exercise lots, I'm sure I can lift the cloud cancer has cast over me for such a long time. For a while at least.

But something still weighs on my mind. And amidst the positivity and optimism I try to maintain, it is difficult to identify what's causing the torment.

Picture Courtesy of PIQ

Some days it is difficult to keep going, it is difficult to stay positive, to pick yourself up and paint on a smile. Some days it is tempting to stay in bed until the whole nightmare is over. I'm dreading this operation. Everything about it. I'm dreading being under the anaesthetic for eight hours, what if I don't wake up? I'm dreading being in hospital for over two weeks, the huge scar that will run from my chest to the bottom of my stomach and across my right side. Having to stay in bed for a month while everyone runs around doing things for me, not able to go to work, not able to live my life. A small price to pay, I know, considering this time last year no one expected me to still be alive today, but I feel so restricted, dictated to, bound. I feel so frightened.

And it is this juxtaposition of emotions that turns endlessly around in my mind. But I have to remember to just take one day at a time. This is a huge, invasive procedure I'm about to have, and I must be honest with myself - there is a huge possibility something may go very wrong. So I must try to live each day before the operation as much as I can. I must enjoy the sunshine while I'm able to feel it on my face, and see all my family and friends making sure they all know how much I love them.

I want this operation more than I can tell you, but I'm unable to adequately tell you why I also want to avoid it. For now though, I'll try to remain positive and look forward to the prospect of being free of cancer again.

I'll take one day at a time.

The Teenage Cancer Trust - Having Fun Along The Way

It's that time of year again! The Teenage Cancer Trust is hosting a series of gigs this week at the Royal Albert Hall, to raise awareness of the fabulous work they do all year round. This year is particularly exciting, as, along with the usual faces and supporters such as Roger Daltrey and Ronnie Wood, Sir Paul McCartney will be gracing the stage tonight!

It is always such a successful week for the charity, and with invaluable support from such huge names, which also include Ronnie Wood and Kelly Jones of Stereophonics fame, money and awareness for the charity is guaranteed to come pouring through.

Sky News attended the opening night last night and asked me to write an article for their website about how the Teenage Cancer Trust helped me...

Natasha Vince on Sky News

"Let Thy Food Be Thy Medicine" Hippocrates

The more I read about the power of food and exercise, the further fascinated I become with the healing qualities of the human body. But this goes hand in hand with a deep frustration that I didn't educate myself about the importance of eating right much earlier in life.

Since my initial diagnosis at 16, I have always wondered, 'why me?', 'why was I diagnosed with cancer', and after so many diagnoses, 'why won't it leave me alone'. But the more I research, the more I seem drawn to the answer... Because I wasn't looking after myself.

When we were growing up, my mum made sure my brother and I exercised lots and ate well. I danced twice a week, swam at least once a week, and went everywhere on my bicycle. We hardly ate food which was fried, and anything from a fast food restaurant was a rare and very special treat. It wasn't until I reached the age of about 14 and my body was changing, that I no longer felt comfortable in my ballet leotard, or swimming costume, and I foolishly stopped all of my exercise classes. Of course it was at this age that I also started going out more with friends, picking up the odd burger and chips while shopping, and just generally not eating properly or looking after my body. It was also a time of deep personal stress.

Not long after this change in life style, I began to suffer tummy aches - the first symptoms of the Ewing's Sarcoma in my intestine.

Although, of course, I tried hard to look after my body following the initial diagnosis, I hadn't educated my self adequately to stop the disease recurring. I exercised more, which probably helped keep the disease away for a few years, until it returned in my right kidney when I was 19, but I still wasn't eating right.

Being told I only had a year to live, really made me take a look at my life, it forced me to explore how I treated my body, it made me question whether there was anything I could do to help it. And once I started researching, the amount of information I found proving that I could help myself was incredible. Why hadn't I looked for this before? So, as you know, I changed my diet according to the advice I found, and signed up for the marathon this year in order to force myself to get up, get out and exercise.

Just a few months later, scans showed that the tumours that once restricted me to a few more months of life were now benign, and I was astounded to hear that I was looking at a long future again. But I was foolish, and in the months afterwards, I allowed myself to slip from my new diet, drink more alcohol and exercise less... the result? Two new tumours in my liver.

So now I need to get back on track. The amazing news is that the diet I adapted to has allowed my liver function to improve to the point that I can now have surgery to remove the damaged parts of the organ, as well as the benign, and new tumours. But I must maintain this healthy diet if I want to keep this disease under control - under my control.

Watching the BBC3 programme 'Make My Body Younger' is a real education. Participants of the show undertake an 'age test' to see how years of heavy drinking, smoking and, in some cases, drug abuse has damaged their individual organs, and subsequently an age is put on different parts of their body. Most are shocked at the results, their heart, brain and lung function often reflect that of someone who is two to three times their actual age, and so they 'suffer' three compulsory weeks of detoxing, healthy eating and exercise. The 'age test' is then carried out again at the end of the detox period, and the results are always absolutely staggering. Just a few weeks of treating their bodies right and they are rewarded by their organ function reflecting a much more true-to-life age.

How incredible is it that the body can reverse many years of damage, and heal itself so quickly, once we know how to look after it?

There is nothing of greater importance than a healthy body and state of mind. No matter how busy you think you are, you in fact always have time to look after your self, you just need to remember to find it...

For a more detailed look at how I adapted my diet, take a look at this page on my website.



Macmillan Cancer Support - "We are all affected by cancer. We can all help. We are Macmillan." - Says It All!

While I wait for news on how my last operation went, and details of when the next surgery to remove most of my liver will be, I have thrown myself into work - mainly to take my mind off what is waiting for me in a few weeks time.

But I have also been spending a lot of time talking to different departments within cancer charity Macmillan, and helping to spread the word about what a fantastic job they do for patients and their families.

If you have read my novel 'Kiss From A Rose', you will know that I have a huge amount of time and respect for the nurses and general staff at Macmillan. They were a life line for us at all times of the day and night, and the support they gave my mum was invaluable. They made her feel she had a friend at the end of the phone offering practical advice and emotional support, no matter what the problem was. I'll never be able to thank them enough for how they helped us, but by sharing my story with their new members of staff, and also their business partners, such as Boots, I hope I am helping in a small way to ensure all cancer patients receive the same amount of care and support that mum and I did.

Every year, Macmillan collaborate with national radio station Smooth FM for an event called 'Starlight Supper'. They ask people to set aside an evening to host a dinner party for family and friends in aid of the charity. Guests to the dinner parties offer a charity donation at the door, and are wined and dined as they listen to music provided by Smooth FM, who offer 'shout outs' to those who call in! But as well as music, the radio station plays accounts from various patients who have had support from Macmillan and who want to share their experiences of cancer. Such a fantastic idea I think, to spend the evening with people you love, enjoying food, drink and company while raising money for such an important charity, with people in the background telling you how your money has directly helped them get through some of the darkest moments of their lives.

I was one of those voices last Saturday when this year's Starlight Supper Event took place. I hope I not only showed people how Macmillan helped me, but encouraged others to get in touch with the Charity if they are struggling with treatment, finance or one of the many other problems cancer unexpectedly presents.

The day before the 'Starlight Supper Event' I visited the Macmillan Offices to speak to representatives from cosmetic giant Boots - with which Macmillan have a partnership with. Boots work hard with the charity to help provide cancer patients with information and advice about health and beauty regimes that can help when your skin has turned 'scaley' from chemo, or has burned from radiotherapy. This is not a unique relationship I was delighted to discover while I was there, as Macmillan also work with hairdressing company Tony&Guy to help patients when their hair grows back after chemo. Often it is very curly and silky, and generally difficult to manage when very short, so Tony&Guy offer expert and specialised advice to patients who are struggling to feel comfortable with their new hair, they help them feel beautiful - no greater gift than that!

So I spoke to representatives from Boots, and 'Health & Beauty' Magazine about how Macmillan have helped me, I wanted to show them that this is a fantastic partnership that they should be enthusiastic about, and proud of. So many people turn to Macmillan for medical and financial advice, and now, with various evolving partnerships offering such vast services, patients will always have someone to turn to, no matter what the issue is. If Macmillan don't have the answer, they'll certainly know someone who does!

If you need help and advice from Macmillan, click here...

A Blessing In Disguise?

So my latest scan results were not as positive as I had hoped. They show that I have two new tumours in my liver. Much to my relief however, the rest of tumours that showed up benign in the last set of images, still appear to be non-cancerous. But this latest development is a little disappointing.

There was some good news however! As my liver function has improved over the last twelve months, since I was told there was nothing more the hospital could do, it means I am eligible for surgery! My liver is stronger now than it was last year, I believe, because of my new diet, my exercise regime, and my reduction in alcohol consumption. How fantastic is it that the body can recover so well when you start to look after it, - something we should bare in mind all the time, not just when the stuff hits the fan!

So the operation will see my doctor cut out most of my liver. He will remove all the tissue that has been damaged from my previous treatments, as well as the benign and more recent malignant tumours. Although the liver regenerates itself and regrows to its normal size within three months, the doctor needs to leave enough of the organ to support my body while the liver is recovering. At the moment, I don't have enough clear liver to leave and re-grow, and therefore if the surgery was conducted now I would go suffer liver failure. So last week, I went in for a smaller operation to increase the size of the tiny clear bit of liver I have!

The concept is incredibly clever, and sometimes I honestly believe I'm lucky that the cancer recurs here and not elsewhere in my body, as I'm not sure I would have so many options when it comes to surgery and treatment if another organ was infected instead.

Here's what they did...  There are two 'tubes' that feed the liver, one on the damaged side of my liver, and one on the side which is clear. During the operation, known as Portal Vein Embolisation (PVE), the surgeons block the 'tube' (or portal venous flow) on the side of the liver which is damaged and diseased and this, in time, will cause that side of the liver to shrink. In turn the other (clear) side is forced to enlarge as it is made to work harder. By the time I have the main operation to remove the damaged part of liver, which will hopefully be in a month's time, the clear part of my liver will be bigger and stronger, and will be able to support my body after the surgery as it grows back to a normal size. The surgery left me sore and bruised for a few days, and uncomfortable for about a week (longer than I anticipated). My throat also hurt from the ventilator that was inserted to help me breathe while I was under the anaesthetic. But after having the operation in the morning, I was able to leave the hospital that evening, which meant I could recover at home where I was far more comfortable - the best place to be I reckon!

I'm very anxious about the next operation. It's a big one, and one I know I will take a while to recover from. But at least I have been given the chance to rid myself of this disease once again - a chance not many others are blessed with.

So, although it was frustrating to hear that the disease had returned, at least now they are able to remove all the damaged tissue, and the tumours. The benign tumours could become cancerous again at any point, and by removing them now that threat will be eradicated completely.

So perhaps these new tumours really are a blessing in disguise?

The Record Shows, I Took The Blows... And Did It My Way

'Eat healthily, and exercise lots.' - Common sense, right? So why is it so controversial to say this in the same sentence as 'I have cancer'?

Last month I had four weeks off work. It was a compulsory break as part of my contract, so I used my free time to work with a few charities. I met with the Educational Team from the Teenage Cancer Trust, some new employees at Macmillan, and the team at the British Liver Trust. It was lovely going back to the Teenage Cancer Trust, I saw people whom I had lost touch with since my first round of treatment over ten years ago. It was so refreshing to see them under nicer circumstances, to have a coffee with them without being attached to a chemo drip, and talking over the bleeps of heart monitors or the sounds of dialysis machines. I wanted to find out a little more about how they raise awareness in schools, youth clubs, scout halls etc. They are a small department, with a huge task, but they are so dedicated. I shared my experiences of talking to schools, and explained why I think it is so important to talk about cancer to teens, to dispel any myths and fears they may have, and offer some advice if they know anyone suffering with the disease; and the team shared their techniques with me. I also told them about my journey over the last year, and how beneficial I have found chanigng my diet.

Next, I went to visit some new recruits at a Macmillan Conference, I was there to give a speech, and share my experiences of the Macmillan service. I told them how much of a support they were from the begnning of my treatment right through to today - not only to me, but to my mum too. And I told them also about the benefits of eating healthily and exercising lots aswell.

During the final week of my month off, I went to see the team at the British Liver Trust. I noticed what a small team they are, but admired their determination at promoting a seemingly inmpossible message of looking after your liver in the face Britain's ever growing culture of fast food, binge drinking and crash dieting. I spoke to them too about how changing my diet has been a huge contributing factor to my recent scan results.

But not all of the charities were supportive of my faith in the power of nutrition. I was told to be careful when telling people about how I adapted my whole life style in an attempt to combat the disease which seems intent on strangling the life from my rose, preventing it from blossoming. And this made me quite angry. I was angry because I don't claim to be an expert, I don't mislead any one into thinking I am medically trained and have done years of research on the topic of nutrition, I just tell them what happened to me, how I chose to help myself when all the medication failed. But my anger soon turned to frustration as I realised that Charities depend on the information they are provided with from hospitals and medical experts. And so if they are receiving no official recognition of the benefits of healthy eating and exercise, and they are shown no case studies or examples supporting such claims, I guess they would be sceptical. So again, I come face to face with the brick wall, and the medical profession's blindness to alternative treatments.

Others I spoke to however, told me how they knew of people who had also tried changing their diets and had success stories of their own, and I soon realised that many people have taken their health into their own hands, and taken a pro-active approach to their treatment. So why are we so afraid to talk about it?

Since I have told my story on a couple of News Channels, and to a magazine and newspaper over the last couple of months, many people have been in touch asking for details on the diet I have adapted to. They are people who either want to prevent themselves from getting the disease, have the disease, or are trying to prevent the disease from returning. People want to know about it, they want to give themselves the best chance at fighting cancer, naturally, they want to have access to all the information that might be of benefit to them. And as I sit writing back to them with my list of super foods and vitamins, I wonder if chemotherapy treatment and radiotherapy treatment was ever such a taboo subject, or just as controversial as nutritional therapy seems to be today. If we came round to the idea that toxins might help to fight disease, why are we so intent on refusing to recognise that nature might be just as effective?

Since my last set of scans I relaxed my diet a little, maybe drank a bit more than I should have, and treated myself to red meat on more than the odd occasion. So when it came to having my next set of routine scans a few weeks ago I freaked out. I freaked out and ran away - something I have never done before. I worried that I hadn't been looking after myself, and the scans would reflect this - so I didn't turn up for them.

But I can't run away forever. I re-booked the scans, and I'm due to get the results next week instead. Of course I am still worried the results may not be good. The tumours may have become live again, and with there still being no realistic chance of conventional medication having an effect on the disease, I will be left to fight this all by myself once again.

And so if I am told those awful words again, that my cancer has returned for a seventh time, and that I should go home and enjoy whatever time I have left, I'll turn to my own medication. It won't be the way the textbooks advise, it won't be the way some of the charities recognise, but I'll face it all, and I'll stand tall, and of course, I'll do it My Way!

New! Magazine & Macmillan - Encouraging People To Talk

Check out this week's edition of New! Magazine. As part of Macmillan's campaign to get people talking about Cancer, there is a double spread in this week's copy about my story. From the day I was diagnosed at 16, to where I am today, it describes the pain of treatment, from losing my friends, to the amazing support I have today from new friends, colleagues, my family and boyfriend. Cancer patients know there is no beginning and end to having this disease, but I hope that by sharing my story in National Publications such as this, I am able to show people that being diagnosed with cancer isn't always a life sentence, and even if sometimes it seems that way, there are ways you can help yourself, and others, even if it is just by talking about it.

Thank you to New! Magazine and Macmillan, for giving me the chance to share my story, I hope it offers comfort and advice to those who read it. And I hope it is successful in Macmillan's mission to get others to speak about their experiences too, no two cancer patients have exactly the same story, we can learn so much from just talking...

Kiss From A Rose - Extract 3 - My Biggest Battle, Losing My Hair

The third extract I have chosen describes the most painful part of my battle, losing my hair. At the age if 16 I was devastated to be told my hair would fall out as a side effect from my chemo, at a time when I wanted to go out with my friends, get to know boys, and take pride in my appearance I felt incredibly robbed of normality. Losing your hair is such a physical effect of the medication, it makes it abundantly clear to everyone that you are ill. Even if you are having a good day, with no hair, eyebrows or eyelashes, every time you walk past a mirror or glance at your reflection there is no escaping the reality. Here is how I felt when, after a a few weeks on chemo, I came face to face with my nightmare.


My Biggest Battle, Losing My Hair

Are They Finally Starting To Listen?

Natasha Vince in The Mirror

There is an article in the paper today, finally raising awareness about Oncology waiting times on the NHS and GPs' reluctance to recognise the possibility of Cancer amongst young adults and children. The Mirror has a two page spread about the importance of medical staff sitting up, and listening to young people when they complain of pains and discomfort. But the blame is placed completely on shoulders of the Government, and the cuts made by the coalition this year. Not entirely fair I feel, as this has been an ongoing problem for years. Certainly when I was initially diagnosed in 2001 Labour was in power, and Britain was enjoying reasonably economic stability - to the public's knowledge anyway. So where else should we be looking? Who else should we be telling to open their eyes? How about the doctors?! The people we turn to when we become aware there is something wrong, when we need reassurance, when we need help. It is these people that often present our first hurdles, who turn us away and tell us nothing is wrong, who encourage us to carry on with life and ignore the problem. It seems that rather than make a referral, many would rather make a mistake! And GP's must be made accountable for these mistakes, one in six young people are diagnosed with cancer everyday in the UK now, everyday! These statistics are too significant to ignore, and if it is a matter of educating our doctors, young and old, then it must be done, too many teens and children are being denied the chance to fight.

BBC News 24 Interview

Natasha Vince on the BBC

A further interview on the BBC about the recent report from Cancer Research into the benefits of eating right and exercising more in the fight against Cancer.